I am no dude // a short inspired by LOTR

Hello, my friends!

I wrote this short script many years ago, in a slightly different format. Since I won’t be making it into a video anytime soon, I’m sharing it with you now.

It’s different than most of what I usually post here, but it’s too amusing to keep it to myself. Enjoy!

(P.S. This is almost entirely inspired by the movie version of LOTR, not the books. It’s not endorsed by Peter Jackson or J.R.R. Tolkien or anyone associated with either of them. And it’s in no way intended to belittle the masterpieces of cinema and literature created by them. Just so we’re clear;)

The NAZGÛL stands by his dragon, cloak blowing dramatically in the wind, in the midst of a bloody battlefield.

NAZGÛL (to the battle in general): Hey, dudes! I challenge you to come fight me! Come on, don’t be afraid! (he gestures to ARAGORN) Aren’t you supposed to be a king or something?

ARAGORN (heroically fighting an orc): Perhaps someday I will vanquish you. But it is not this day… this day I kill your soldiers. This day I reclaim my kingdom! (he yells and hews down the orc)

NAZGÛL: Oh, no problem, dude. I completely get it. See you later… Hey, you! Yep, you, with the fancy hairdo. Wanna fight me?

LEGOLAS (about to swing off on a rope): Oh, I’m so sorry, I really wish I could, but I’ve got to kill this… um… elephant thing. Makes all the girls swoon, you know? (he is pulled up and away by the rope)

NAZGÛL: That’s totally okay, dude. No hard feelings. (he looks around for another candidate). Hey you! With the beard! I need an opponent to dramatically kill. You up for this scene?

GIMLI (diligently hewing down orcs with his axe): How many do you count for?

NAZGÛL: I’m sorry, what?

GIMLI: I mean, if I kill you, do you count as one man, or more? Legolas is killing that elephant. I need to catch up. I figure you’ve got to count for at least ten.

NAZGÛL: Pretty sure I’m just one. Maybe two if you behead my creepy snaky dragon too. Go ahead and find ten orcs or something, dude. I’ll find you after the battle and we can catch up. Okay? (he glances around) … Hey!! Dude! Yeah, you. With the weird helmet that covers your nose. I challenge you to fight.

ÉOWYN (gesturing to MERRY): Can I bring him?

NAZGÛL: Uh… sure. He’s not very big anyway.

ÉOWYN (approaching the NAZGÛL): Then I accept.

MERRY: And I accept.

NAZGÛL (smiling to himself): Great. Any time, dudes! I’m ready! (he raises his sword)

ÉOWYN and MERRY begin to charge the NAZGÛL.

NAZGÛL (remembering something): Wait!

ÉOWYN: Now what. Seriously. We were just about to kill you. 

NAZGÛL: I’m sorry, I just — I have to tell you something.

ÉOWYN: Well hurry up, tell us already. 

NAZGÛL (pausing for emphasis): No dude can kill me.

ÉOWYN (dramatically): No

MERRY (worried): He’s kidding, right?

NAZGÛL: I kid not! It was prophesied. Look, right here… (he fumbles in his robes and pulls out an old, worn book, turning the pages until he finds what he’s looking for) See? (he points to the page)


MERRY (even more worried): He’s not kidding.

ÉOWYN: Oh, but there’s something I forgot to mention too. (she dramatically removes her helmet) I am no dude. 

MERRY and ÉOWYN hold up their swords, ready to strike. 

NAZGÛL: Wait! Freeze! Cut!

They freeze. ÉOWYN rolls her eyes.

MERRY: What is it now?

NAZGÛL: It’s just — aren’t you a dude? 

ÉOWYN: I told you, I’m not a dude. Clearly. See my long blonde hair? 

NAZGÛL: Not you, him! The little guy! You! Aren’t you a dude?

MERRY: So what if I am? Get to the point already! I’m tired of holding this pose. (he bounces on his feet anxiously)

NAZGÛL: I mean, it’s just that if you both kill me — I mean try to kill me — it won’t work, because he’s a dude. I mean, maybe it will kind of work, but then I’ll only be half dead, and then I’ll be a zombie thing or something, only half alive, and I’ll be cursed forever…

ÉOWYN (sarcastically): Oh, is that the problem?

NAZGÛL (embarrassed): Um. Yes?

ÉOWYN: Well lucky you, you won’t be cursed to live a half-life after all. Because, you see, (she gestures to MERRY) he’s not a dude either. He’s a halfdude. 

ÉOWYN and MERRY strike. The NAZGÛL screams.

36 thoughts on “I am no dude // a short inspired by LOTR

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